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Behind all the sparkle and festivity, Christmas often brings with it a whirlwind of planning, gatherings, and expectations. For couples, this time of year can be a test of communication and teamwork as they navigate the complexities of shared schedules, extended family dynamics, and social commitments. While the season is meant to bring joy, it can also reveal differences in priorities and preferences that, if unaddressed, may lead to tension.
Holiday plans are just one area that can become an unexpected battleground. Deciding where and with whom to spend your time – whether with your family, your spouse’s, or even just the two of you and perhaps your own children – can feel like an impossible balancing act. These decisions often come with deeply rooted emotions, tied to traditions or a desire to make everyone happy. But trying to please everyone is a fast track to exhaustion and disappointment. Instead, open and honest conversations about your ideal holiday can help you find a middle ground. Alternating years, splitting the time between families, or blending traditions are all possibilities if both partners approach the discussion with a spirit of compromise.
Navigating family dynamics, particularly within-laws, can definitely add another layer of complexity. Spending extended time with family can amplify tensions or bring to light differences in how each of you relates to your respective families. It’s important to support each other and balance the needs of both partners. The following extract from Nicky and Sila Lee’s The Marriage Book illustrates how even a particularly difficult situation can be worked through.
Soon after Miranda got married, she began to experience great difficulty in her relationship with her father-in-law. Having had only sons, he was not used to relating to women of his children’s generation. The more vulnerable she felt, the more dogmatic he became. On several occasions when they visited Patrick’s parents, Miranda ended up in tears, much to Patrick’s bemusement. It became so bad that she felt physically sick and full of dread in the run-up to their visit at Christmas. Patrick realised that there was a problem and together they sought help.
It transpired that Miranda’s childhood had been traumatic. Her sister had always been treated as the favourite. At the age of eighteen Miranda had been beaten by her father and told to leave her home and family and not to come back. Her parents had subsequently divorced. As Patrick and Miranda talked it through, she realised that her difficulties in relating to her father-in-law were an overreaction as a result of her own deep pain from the past.
In a loving marriage, hurt such as this can be healed. Looking for a quick cure is unhelpful but, over time, feelings can be changed and our ability to relate intimately can be restored.
Communicating our emotions and hurts, as well as expectations and strategies ahead of time can go a long way in ensuring family visits don’t become a source of stress. Whether that means scheduling breaks, limiting the length of your stay, or agreeing on subtle ways to signal when one of you needs to step away, tackling these challenges as a team can strengthen your bond.
The logistics of planning a holiday trip, combined with the energy required to be present during family gatherings, can feel draining too. The pressure to meet expectations or make everything perfect often overshadows the connection and celebration that we would want to experience over the festive season. To ease the stress, it’s important to share responsibilities and recognise that not everything has to go according to plan. Giving yourselves permission to let go of perfection can make the experience much more enjoyable for both of you.
Social commitments during the holidays can certainly highlight personality differences. If one partner thrives on the buzz of back-to-back parties while the other would rather stay home with a book and a blanket, friction can easily arise. Respecting these differences and finding a balance is essential. If you are more introverted, maybe you agree to attend a handful of events together while the extrovert enjoys a few more solo. This way, neither partner feels pressured to go beyond their comfort zone, and both feel that their needs are respected.
Ultimately, the key to navigating the holiday season as a couple lies in compromise and negotiation. You may not always get everything you want, but working together to find solutions that honour both perspectives can help you feel more connected rather than divided. It’s always best to approach challenges with kindness, patience, and an openness to hear each other out. If you can manage to do that, then this time of year with its unique demands and opportunities, offers the perfect chance to strengthen your relationship by focusing on what matters most: being a team.
(Look out for part 3, where we’ll explore how the issues of finances and gift-giving can make or break your marriage connection at Christmas-time.)
