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It’s that time of year again where your social media feed, email inbox and maybe even your postbox are inundated with picture-perfect moments – families smiling by twinkling trees, couples sharing cozy fireside evenings. But behind closed doors, many couples face heightened stress and tension during the festive season, often clashing over what Christmas “should” look like. These conflicts often stem from deeply ingrained, and often unspoken, expectations rooted in our childhood experiences.
For Martin and Lucy, the unspoken expectations around celebrating occasions became a source of deep pain. Their story, as told in Nicky and Sila Lee’s The Marriage Book, is a caution against failing to communicate our individual hopes when it comes to what we hope for at any special event.
Martin’s parents separated when he was a child. His father lived abroad and his mother became an alcoholic. Martin was sent to boarding school from the age of seven. His parents often forgot his birthday and at Christmas he was lucky to get a present. Occasionally there was some token, but it was certainly never wrapped. With the adaptability that is so admirable in children, Martin accepted his circumstances and threw himself into school life.
As an adult, he found it difficult to form lasting relationships. But eventually he fell madly in love and got married, dreaming that his marriage and family life would somehow redeem and heal the miseries and failures of the past.
His wife Lucy came from a close-knit family and idolised her parents. She particularly loved the way they had always celebrated birthdays and Christmas with so much plotting and fun: the surprises, presents, silliness and secrecy.
Her birthday came a few months into marriage. Martin asked her what she wanted. She made some suggestions, hoping he would also think of some surprises. He bought two items from the list and left them unwrapped on top of the fridge sticking out of the carrier bags. He felt that he was making a real fuss of her – no one had ever bought him two expensive presents for his birthday. Three days before her birthday she saw the two items on the fridge, unwrapped. She felt confused and unloved, but she kept her thoughts to herself. What could she say?
On her birthday, they woke up – there was no card, no breakfast in bed, no flowers. Then, just before they left for work, Martin took the two items off the fridge(still in their carrier bags) and gave them to her, smiling. She burst into tears and rushed out of the house.
Their relationship never really recovered from the events of that morning. It was never discussed. Lucy presumed that either Martin did not love her or he was by nature mean and thoughtless, possibly both. Martin noticed that Lucy had turned cold and assumed that she had simply gone off him. The pattern of rejection was well established in his life. For Martin and Lucy, years of misery with similar silent misunderstandings followed, until they finally divorced.
What a tragedy that on that fateful day (Lucy’s birthday) they did not see the need to focus on the issue. They could have listened to each other’s childhood experiences of birthdays. They could have expressed their views, feelings, expectations and disappointments. They would have seen that there was only one, relatively simple, issue causing conflict in their marriage that day. They could have resolved it so easily. Instead, it was the first dark blot on their relationship, which then spread, like ink on blotting paper, until it had darkened and destroyed their marriage.
Christmas, like birthdays, can highlight these contrasting perspectives. Maybe you grew up singing carols around the piano while your partner’s family barely acknowledged the season. Perhaps you associate Christmas time with homemade cookies and a big roast turkey with all the trimmings, while your partner’s favourite holiday memory is ordering takeout and watching a TV show together. Or maybe your partner views the holidays with dread due to traumatic memories, while you see it as a magical, celebratory time. These differences can create tension if they aren’t acknowledged and discussed.
To Christmas-proof your marriage, start by understanding each other’s holiday memories and the expectations that stem from them. Did your childhood Christmases feel warm and joyous, or were they marked by disappointment or stress? Talk about your favourite traditions – whether it’s attending midnight Mass, decorating the tree, or sharing specific festive foods – and explore how to incorporate them into your shared celebrations.
Sacrifice and compromise are vital. Perhaps you can combine traditions: hosting a cozy Christmas movie night and going to church on Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, or alternating traditions each year. Or start fresh by creating your own rituals as a couple. The goal is not to insist on recreating your version of Christmas but to find ways to make the season meaningful and joyful for both of you.
Martin and Lucy’s story is a powerful reminder of how easily assumptions and unmet expectations can harm a relationship. By opening up, understanding each other’s pasts, and intentionally shaping your future together, you can ensure that the season strengthens your bond instead of straining it.
(Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3, where we’ll explore more ways to keep your marriage thriving through the holidays, including tips on how to navigate finances, gift-giving, and holiday plans with in-laws!)
