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The festive season is often synonymous with joy and togetherness, but as we’ve discussed in parts 1 and 2 of this blog series, this time of year also comes with its fair share of challenges. Not least of these are crossed wires around finances and gift-giving. For couples, these issues can be delicate and, if mishandled, may put strain on the holiday spirit, let alone the relationship. Understanding each other's perspectives and priorities is key to navigating these potential pitfalls and ensuring Christmas remains a time of connection rather than conflict.
Finances are most definitely a common stressor during the festive season. The desire to create memorable experiences can lead to overspending, whether on elaborate meals, holiday travel, gifts, or hosting events. Each of these comes with its own set of expectations, often rooted in how we celebrated the holidays growing up. For one partner, Christmas might feel incomplete without a lavish feast for family and friends, while the other might prefer allocating funds to a cozy weekend getaway or more thoughtful gifts. Misaligned priorities can create tension, especially if one partner is more financially cautious than the other.
Open communication and budgeting are essential to managing these challenges. You’ll find it a lot easier to navigate your way through Christmas-time if you can discuss your collective priorities as a couple and set clear spending limits together. This approach allows both partners to feel heard and ensures that your financial decisions align with shared goals. For example, if travel is a big expense, you might agree to scale back on gifts or opt for simpler, intimate meals instead of extravagant dinner parties. The goal isn’t to deny yourselves joy but to approach the season in a way that feels balanced and sustainable.
Gift-giving, too, can be fraught with expectations and emotions, particularly when love languages come into play. For some, a beautifully wrapped, surprise gift is an expression of deep thoughtfulness and care. For others, the value lies less in the presentation and more in the practicality or meaning behind the gift itself. Misunderstandings can arise if these preferences aren’t communicated.
Consider the story of a couple where one partner spends weeks planning and wrapping the perfect gift, only to feel unappreciated when their effort is met with indifference. Meanwhile, the other partner, who values quality time more than material gifts, might feel overwhelmed or frustrated by the pressure to reciprocate in kind. These differences don’t have to lead to conflict if both partners take the time to understand and appreciate each other’s perspectives.
A simple way to navigate this is to have an open conversation about what gift-giving means to each of you. Is it about surprises, practicality, sentimentality, or the sheer joy of the moment? Knowing this can help avoid disappointments and ensure that your efforts resonate with your partner. Even something as small as taking the time to wrap a gift thoughtfully can demonstrate care and attention to their needs.
In The Marriage Book, Nicky and Sila Lee write about gift giving and share some anecdotes from their own lives and from another couple. According to the book, a few guidelines about present-buying are worth considering:
Presents can be inexpensive – but have a high value. For example, one flower picked from the garden and given with a note can express love as powerfully as a bunch from a shop.
Find out what your partner particularly likes to receive. It is worth noticing which presents our partner has especially liked receiving over the years, either from us or from others. If we are out together, we could make a mental note of something they point out in a shop window.
Sila: “Over the years, we have collected blue-and-white china of all different sorts and patterns. Nicky once gave me a pair of large breakfast cups in blue and white, which have become very special. I associate them with a long, leisurely breakfast on a Saturday morning. Each time we use them, I am reminded of Nicky’s care and thoughtfulness in choosing them for me.”
There are endless possibilities. The key to being a good present-giver is this: the present must be something that the other person will enjoy, not what we ourselves would like to have. This was certainly an issue in Kenneth and Mei’s marriage:
Mei: Kenneth does have a tendency to buy me things and then say, “Oh, it’s for us to share.”
Kenneth: So she got a bench-press for one of her Christmas presents.
Mei: Yes, and a tennis machine for another. So I said to him, “No more gifts.”
Kenneth: Sometimes, you get it wrong.
It is easy to dismiss this expression of love as materialistic or shallow. But we are all different. One husband for whom presents mean little only recognised several years into marriage how important they are for his wife to feel appreciated and loved. Initially he paid little, if any, attention to how they were wrapped or presented. Now he realises the thought and care he puts into the presentation is as important to his wife as the present itself.
If our husband or wife demanded a diamond ring or a sports car every week, we would probably be right to question their motives. Nor should we fob our partner off with presents as a substitute for spending time together or discussing difficulties. The time and thought that go into choosing a present make it truly a gift. And given appropriately, the value of a present can far exceed its cost.
Finances and gift-giving, when managed thoughtfully, don’t have to become sources of stress. Instead, they can reflect your shared values and deepen your connection as you celebrate the season together. Ultimately, the holidays offer an opportunity to reinforce your bond by approaching these challenges with empathy and collaboration. And amidst the wrapping paper, festive meals, and shared moments, it’s vital to remember the true meaning of Christmas: the birth of Jesus Christ and the profound event of God coming to earth in human form, reminding us of the love, grace, and hope that should be at the heart of every celebration.
