How the attention economy is affecting your marriage

How the attention economy is affecting your marriage

It’s a well-known truth that we are in the age of the “attention economy”. It may be easy to see how this impacts our world at an economic level– marketing and business have seen huge changes as a result of this shift. But what exactly is the attention economy and what does it mean for marriage?

The “attention economy”: what is it?

The term “attention economy” dates back to the 1970s. According to a 2020 article in the Berkeley Economic Review, it was coined by psychologist, economist, and Nobel Laureate Herbert A. Simon who noted that “a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention,” suggesting that multitasking is a myth. The article goes on to say that attention has been defined by the American Psychological Association as “a state in which cognitive resources are focused on certain aspects of the environment rather than on others.” It explains that: “Attention comes in many forms: love, recognition, obedience, and help. … Many derive attention’s value from how much time we focus on a particular thing. We face attention’s scarcity every day; while ‘paying attention’ to one thing we ignore others.” [1]

With an endless wealth of information coming at us online and through social media in today’s world, it seems unsurprising that our closest relationships may begin to suffer from a “poverty of attention”. We’ve all noticed couples, families or friends out together or even across the table from one another but glued to their screens, giving all their attention to their own online world rather than pursuing connection with those people physically present in the room with them. And most (if not all) of us have experienced how such behaviour can make us feel de-prioritised or even neglected by our partner – and have probably also been guilty of making them feel this way through our own digital distractions.

Is it really damaging my marriage?

As a blog post by Nathan Williams puts it, “You cannot claim to love someone or something without giving your attention to it.” Williams explains that love must include an engaging interest in the object, whether person or thing, and that to truly love his daughter, for example, is to give her his attention with delight. “I must look at her,” he says, “and be interested in what she has to say. I ask questions as I listen and respond with comments. If, as she recounts how she played with friends at recess, I coldly stare at my phone, I can hardly be said to be acting in love toward her in that moment.”[2]

Aside from the risk of our spouse feeling unseen or unloved and inferior to whomever or whatever we are giving our attention to online, the attention economy poses a further threat of couples drifting further apart through the isolation caused by each one inhabiting their own bespoke online reality.

The author Curt Steinhorst explains that on the one hand, the attention economy offers the advantages of a tailored world thanks to the algorithms that enable our personal preferences and interests to guide the content and opportunities presented to us. But on the other hand, this poses significant challenges that threaten to undermine the quality of our relationships and understanding of the world.[3]

He explains the dilemma like this, offering ways to counter this effect in marriage:

My world is saturated with deep tech news, marketing trends, philosophical debates, and Dallas sports. Meanwhile, my wife, the closest person in my life, inhabits a digital realm that's a mystery to me. This isn't just about differing interests; it's a stark illustration of how, even as we sit side by side, our digital experiences drive isolation and disconnection. Even if we are in the top 1% in communication and sharing among marriages today, we are probably in the bottom 10% at any other point in history in terms of shared experiences — the foundation of meaningful relationships.

To overcome the challenges, I can ask my wife what caught her attention on social media today, sparking a conversation that bridges our digital divide. I can remind myself that context matters, recognising that the happenings in distant corners of the globe, while interesting, shouldn't eclipse the importance of being present in the room I'm in. By paying attention to what we pay attention to, we not only enrich our own lives but also strengthen the bonds that tether us to one another.
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Choosing wisely

It’s so important, then, that we remember that we do have choice in where we give our attention – and just how powerful our choices are. In the words of Steinhorst: “Consider this: every moment of your day, from the minute you wake up to the second you drift off to sleep, is a series of decisions about where to allocate your attention. Whether it's opting to binge-watch a new series instead of calling a friend, scrolling through newsfeeds instead of engaging in a hobby, or checking work emails during family time. When we direct our focus towards one activity, we inherently dismiss countless others. These choices delineate the contours of our lives, shaping our relationships, knowledge, health, and happiness.”[4]

If we can become more intentional about where we give our focus, this will go a long way to curbing any negative effects that our screen time may be having on our marriage. As we become more aware of each micro-decision around what we give our attention to, moment by moment, we can grow in avoiding the allure of social media, WhatsApp messages or emails, and in pursuing connection with our spouse as a priority.  

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[1] Ally Mintzer, ‘Paying Attention: The Attention Economy’, Berkeley Economic Review, March 31, 2020. https://econreview.studentorg.berkeley.edu/paying-attention-the-attention-economy/  

[2] NathanWilliams, ‘The Attention Economy and Christian Love’, The Master’s Seminary Blog, September 13, 2022. https://blog.tms.edu/the-attention-economy-and-christian-love  

[3] Curt Steinhorst, ‘Lost in the Scroll: The Hidden Impact of the Attention Economy’, Forbes, February 6, 2024. https://www.forbes.com/sites/curtsteinhorst/2024/02/06/lost-in-the-scroll-the-hidden-impact-of-the-attention-economy/

[4] Curt Steinhorst, ‘Lost in the Scroll: The Hidden Impact of the Attention Economy’, Forbes, February 6, 2024. https://www.forbes.com/sites/curtsteinhorst/2024/02/06/lost-in-the-scroll-the-hidden-impact-of-the-attention-economy/

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