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Being prepared to say sorry
The 1970s film Love Story was advertised with the byline: ‘Love means never having to say you are sorry.’ It could not be more wrong. In a truly loving marriage, we often have to apologise to each other, perhaps even daily.
Most of us do not like to take responsibility for our mistakes. Parents will see this in young children, who often only say sorry through gritted teeth to avoid more unpleasant consequences. It is easier to rationalise what we have done and to blame everybody else. Some people excuse their behaviour by blaming their parents for the way they were brought up. Others blame their circumstances, saying, ‘If we had more money . . .’ or,‘If I wasn’t under so much pressure . . .’
I remember some years ago meeting a woman in hospital who was very ill with lung cancer. She asked me to pray with her, and as part of my prayer I included an element of confession, asking God to forgive us for the wrong things we have done.
She immediately stopped praying, opened her eyes and said to me, ‘I can’t say that I’m sorry for things I have done wrong. You see, I haven’t done anything wrong. I try to be kind to everyone. I do occasionally have unkind thoughts about people but I put them out of my mind as quickly as possible. However, I wonder if you could pray for my husband because, you see, he has a terrible temper and treats me like his servant.’
I later talked to the nurses on the ward, who told me that she was one of the most difficult patients that they had ever looked after. – Nicky
It is never easy to listen to ways in which we have been responsible for hurting others. However, we need to try to see things from their point of view.
Taking responsibility involves finding out from our partner how serious a particular incident was for them. It’s finding out where the hurt comes on a kind of ‘Richter scale’, where 1 is a light tremor and 10 is catastrophic. We can ask our partner, ‘Is this a 2, or is it a 9 or a 10, for you?’ Some incidents can appear trivial or even humorous to one of us, but we may discover that they have caused deep pain to our partner.
When our partner knows that we understand the extent to which they feel hurt, our apology will carry more weight. If they feel we do not understand how much hurt we have caused them, they will be afraid that we will easily do it again.
To be effective, our apology must also be unconditional. Rather than saying, ‘If you had been more reasonable, I wouldn’t have lost my temper,’ or, ‘If you hadn’t made us late, I wouldn’t have forgotten to post that letter,’ we need to swallow our pride and say simply, ‘I am very sorry I lost my temper,’ or, ‘I am so sorry I forgot to post the letter.’
Equally, we need to be sure that our tone of voice and body language do not contradict what we are saying. It is possible to say ‘Sorry’ in a way that means, ‘Sorry, but . . .’ or, ‘It was your fault really.’
Genuine unconditional apologies are powerful in marriage because we no longer need to be on the defensive, determined to get our own back, volleying hurt back and forth in a tit-for-tat battle. We are suddenly on the same side again. This allows the anger to be dissipated and the hurt to be healed.
Choosing to forgive each other
This is, for many, the most challenging part of the process. Forgiveness is essential and has unparalleled power to bring healing to a marriage.
C.S. Lewis wrote, ‘Forgiveness goes beyond human fairness; it is pardoning those things that can’t readily be pardoned at all.’ This is why it is always costly to forgive; we have to sacrifice our pride, our self-pity and our desire for justice. Our culture places tremendous stress on doing all we can to maintain our rights. When we forgive, we are laying down our right to justice and our desire for revenge.
We cannot demand that our partner earns our forgiveness, nor can we be sure that they will not hurt us again in the same way. There are times when we suspect that they will do it again despite their best intentions. Jesus’ instruction to forgive each other, if necessary, ‘seven times in a day’ (Luke 17:4) is not just an exaggeration to make a point.
This does not mean that we are required to condone our partner’s behaviour where there is physical violence, verbal or emotional cruelty, sexual abuse or unfaithfulness. Such violation of the marriage vows is a terrible betrayal of trust and should not be tolerated. Where such destructive behaviour has become a pattern and there is a fear of provoking further abuse, we would recommend seeking professional help.
The flow of forgiveness
The Christian message is that as we come to God, genuinely confessing our failures, he gives us forgiveness as a free gift.Jesus died in our place, taking the consequences for all we have ever done, said or thought that is wrong. God freely forgives us, even when he knows we shall fail again. He is our model for forgiveness. St Paul writes, ‘Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you’ (Ephesians 4:32).
As we begin to take in the incredible truth of God’s ongoing forgiveness of our failings, he becomes not only the model but also the motivation for us to forgive others. We feel inspired to echo his generosity in our relationships with others.
But even with a model, even with the inspiration, forgiveness can feel an impossible goal. Where are we to find the means to forgive? We can feel blocked. We find no forgiveness in our own heart. We find only the desire for justice to be done. The Bible repeatedly encourages us to leave the consequences to God. ‘ “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord’ (Romans 12:19). We can leave the justice of our case to God. We are told: ‘Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing’ (1 Peter 3:9).
As we give up our desire to repay, God promises to look after us and to pour his blessing into our lives.
A lake needs water flowing in and water flowing out to stop it becoming stagnant. We desperately need this dynamic flow of forgiveness in all our relationships, and especially in our marriage. Forgiveness needs to flow into our lives from God. But it is no good if it is bottled up there. With God’s help we must let it flow out into the lives of those around us, and especially those closest to us.
Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling
Forgiveness means choosing not to hold the past against each other. The question is not, ‘Do we feel like forgiving? ’Often, we do not feel like forgiving at all. Rather, the question is, ‘Will we forgive? Will we let go of the hurt?’
Of course, there are some things that are much harder to forgive because the degree of hurt is much greater. Sometimes people say to us, ‘I can’t forgive him or her.’ ‘I can’t’ is really another way of saying, ‘I won’t,’ or, ‘I don’t know how to.’ Very often people are waiting for the right feelings to come or for justice to be done before they forgive.
We do not want to underestimate how hard forgiveness is, and we shall often need to ask God to help us. But if we choose to forgive by an act of our will, the feelings of forgiveness will follow. For some this will happen quickly and for others by degrees over a longer period.
Forgiveness sets us free
When we forgive, that forgiveness may benefit our partner, but ultimately we are the ones who benefit most by being free.
According to the Christian writer, Philip Yancey:
The word resentment expresses what happens if the cycle goes uninterrupted. It means, literally, ‘to feel again’: resentment clings to the past, relives it over and over, picks each fresh scab so that the wound never heals.
Corrie ten Boom was a Dutch prisoner-of-war in Ravensbrück concentration camp, where she watched her sister Betsie die at the hands of the guards. In her book He Sets the Captives Free, she recalls the moment after the war when she came face to face with one of their former guards, who had become a Christian and had come to ask for her forgiveness. Only through silently calling out for God’s help could she fight every human instinct towards hatred and revenge and do the impossible. She wrote later:
At that moment, when I was able to forgive, my hatred disappeared. What a liberation! Forgiveness is the key which unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness. What a liberation it is when you can forgive.
Only through forgiveness can we be liberated from the pain of previous relationships, which otherwise will affect our relationships today.
Irene was a young South African woman just out of university who enjoyed living and working in London. Soon she met Roger, an older man who swept her off her feet. He persuaded her to leave her job and move in with him. She became pregnant. They married and moved to a small village outside London. A few months later, their son Timmy was born.
Isolated at home with a new baby, separated from family, friends and job, Irene soon began to be plagued by horrible thoughts: she suspected her husband was having an affair. Roger explained his increasing absences and frequent need to use a payphone as being linked with top-secret government work. It sounded far-fetched but he was very convincing.
Irene’s worst fears were realised one evening when a middle-aged woman from the village turned up on her doorstep. She was holding a love letter that Roger had written to her sixteen-year-old daughter. He and the girl were lovers. The mother was particularly upset because she, too, was having an affair with Roger.
Soon it transpired that not only was the husband sleeping with both mother and daughter, but he also had a mistress in London. He later confessed to Irene that he had begun his first extramarital affair the day after their wedding. Roger was a sexual addict and a compulsive liar.Irene’s world crashed down around her.
She and Roger had months of counselling. Gradually, she put into practice principles from the Bible, learning to forgive and even to love him again, things she admits she never thought herself capable of. She felt they had been given a second chance to make things work. But a year later, Roger finally left Irene and Timmy and went to live with his secretary, who was pregnant with Roger’s child. Abandoned and alone, Irene found anger and bitterness towards Roger rising constantly in her thoughts. On occasions, she contemplated suicide.
Then one day, while she was praying, Irene realised that her un-forgiveness was like a parasite, feeding upon her and growing stronger as it was allowed to thrive. She determined, by a decision of her will, to forgive. Whenever she found herself replaying her mental video of the ways Roger had hurt and humiliated her, she would remind herself of all the things for which she had sought God’s forgiveness. Then she would begin to pray for Roger and his new family. At first she did so through gritted teeth, but after a while she began to mean the prayers. Gradually the bitterness and un-forgiveness faded. She began to feel a wonderful lightness and peace, and finally freedom – the freedom to start afresh.
Choosing to forgive enables us to move forward without being weighed down by the ‘chains of bitterness and handcuffs of hatred’. At first, we may still feel acute pain, but forgiveness allows the recovery to start. It is like being stung by a bee. When the sting is taken out, the skin is not instantly restored but it opens the way for healing to take place. When we forgive, we are still able to remember what happened to us, but, as we keep forgiving, the memories have less and less power over us.
Un-forgiveness affects not only our relationship with the person or people who caused the hurt, but every relationship we have. Our marriage can be spoilt if we hold on to anger against a third party, and it can be restored when we choose to forgive. We have a Japanese friend who has done much to bring reconciliation between former prisoners-of-war and her own people. When husbands who suffered terribly during the war have been able to express forgiveness to those who ill-treated them, wives have often commented on the change in their marriage. Their husbands sleep well again and are less easily irritated by the small day-to-day issues.
Time on its own does not heal wounds. Only forgiveness can do that, but it involves a process. We often have to forgive layer by layer, like the process of peeling an onion. We may find that we need to go on choosing to forgive for the same hurts on a daily basis in order to beset free. The less we forgive, the harder it is to do so. But, if we forgive once, it becomes easier to do so the next time. And as we forgive, the emotional bruising gradually heals and our marriage moves on.
Taken from The Marriage Book
